Honey, I’m Home!
A man in my neighborhood is extremely enamored with Halloween. The obsession is growing each year, too. A few years ago, this person, who shall remain nameless, decided to dress up in a vampire costume to hand out candy to the little children who rang our..I mean HIS… bell on October 31. Cute, huh? He also hired a student to repeatedly drop a bloody, ghostly dummy out the window of the second floor of the house as little Trick or Treaters walked up the front steps of the house to retrieve their annual stash of bite sized preservative, fat and sugar delivery systems. The children, and some of the adults who ushered them around town that night, were horrified as they were not expecting a ghoul to drop in front of their faces without warning. Witnessing their fear and terror was manna to this…person. And so it began. The annual challenge to out do last year’s efforts at horror. Every year, more bones, gravestones, spirits and special effects have been added to the menagerie of fright.
A few years ago, late one October night after a meeting in the city, I drove into my driveway….I mean MY NEIGHBORHOOD…I saw that THIS PERSON…had removed all the light bulbs from lighting outside the house as well as inside the house and replaced them with RED light bulbs. I assume that was to emphasize the whole blood and guts orgy that was to come in a few days. After all, the anticipation of the big event is half the fun, right? For days prior to Halloween, I….I mean THE PEOPLE WHO LIVE INSIDE THAT HOUSE…had to step over **#!&#! lamp shades that had been removed, special lights that had been installed, and miles of extension cords that were the lifeblood (sorry, no pun intended) of the entire show.
The year after that addition, I….I mean THESE PEOPLE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD, had hired a carpenter to complete some of the odd jobs that regularly come with owning an old house. Rotten wood, chipping paint, minor leaks. You get the idea. And actually, I am sure it was THE WIFE who had carefully budgeted and planned for the carpenter’s projects. This was probably not something she enjoyed doing, but she had done it, done it well and had even created a timeline for completion. Now, this is the crazy part. Without a word, the NAMELESS PERSON had sidetracked the carpenter into building a CASKET instead of plugging the damn roof leak! That way, THE MAN IN VAMPIRE COSTUME would have a casket in which to lie down. The children would have to pass right by it if they wanted any treats. Seriously. And yes by the way, this PERSON is an adult. He is an adult with lots of education. Go figure. Sooooo, as the wood remained rotten and the paint remained chipped, the LIFE SIZED, HEVY DUTY, TASSLE TRIMMED CASKET was constructed without a flaw. Hours and hours of labor. And the carpenter seemed thrilled! And neither the carpenter or THE OTHER PERSON found this to be odd at all!
This year, THIS PERSON WHO RESIDES IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD agreed to let his wife design the spookiness, as he realized that perhaps his efforts had grown somewhat out of control. She did a splendid job, for clearly the woman has good taste, draping the house with simple, yet elegant spider webs and giant black spiders. It looks as dignified as possible under the circumstances. And still, THE PERSON waits until she is going to be away from the house for several hours, and he begins tweaking. He cannot stop himself. Like Jack Nickolson in The Shining, he daily roams the grounds seeking targets for improvement. So, as of two nights ago, there are now ghostly, moving blue floodlights gracing the house. This is in addition to all the other lights in and on the house. Blue lights. Red is sooooo last year. And I must say, the effect is not horrible. It looks as though the house is surrounded by a moat and the moonlight is casting a hazy glow on the sloshing water. I have no idea what is coming next, but it will be something. How do I know this? Because we still have over a week to go before the big day. There is plenty of time for improvement. And apparently, THIS PERSON is always thinking about his next reign of terror. Also, this sort of curse never stops giving. Fine. Whatever. I am just saying that before this is all over, THIS PERSON’s wife may start to think that, actually, he looks pretty good in that casket. That is still to be seen, but I am NOT NAMING NAMES.